so, for those of you who don't know, in november of last year i lost a dear friend to suicide. shawn murphy was cool. a friend to all. a mad genius in the art of hooch. a damn gold mine of cinematic knowledge. and just a funny, cranky old bastard.
he was an asshole. but he was our asshole.
i had just left atlanta for florida for work when i got the news. devastated doesn't begin to describe that feeling. especially when you're so far away from all your friends who knew and loved him, too. to be alone when that kind of news is dropped on you is really a strange feeling. just a sick to your stomach feeling, trying to fight back tears in a bar where no one knows you enough to really give a shit that you're hurting. and knowing that i couldn't be there for my friends who were dealing with the same grief. which leads me to this particular picture.
shawn's memorial service was scheduled for roughly a month after his death. at which point i was home in iowa visiting my folks for a brief stint before i headed back on the road for work.
it was held at the historic plaza theater in atlanta where many of us who were close to shawn had spent many a night watching movies after hours, attending all the spook shows and splatter cinema nights. and the service was being broadcast via streaming video on the internet. that way i could attend from the privacy of my parent's basement. pretty neat.
so, the morning of the memorial arrived. and, up to that point i had not shed a tear over his death. not because i wasn't sad. far from it. i think i was just numb. i've lost well over a dozen people close to me in my life just to suicide. anyhoo, i woke up that sunday morning with the intention of heading straight to the grocery store to pick up a bottle of whiskey to drink while i watched the event. lord knows i wouldn't be the only one. but when i woke up something felt wrong. literally. wouldn't you know it, out of nowhere, yep. i got hemorrhoids. "are you fucking KIDDING ME?!" i yelled out. of course. why wouldn't the day i have to officially say goodbye to someone, who so prided himself with being a pain in the ass, be the day my insides decide to try and make balloon animals out of my blood vessels. FML. as i slipped on my slippers and put on my hoodie to make my whiskey run i began to laugh, thinking about how much shawn would have loved this story. by the time i got to my car the laughter had turned to tears. this was going to be one of the things i missed most about shawn. the cackling laughter at the stories of pure and unadulterated misfortune. i could almost hear it.
so i walked into the hy-vee store in ames, iowa, wiping away tears every 10 seconds or so. greeted by casually concerned stares. i made my way first to the liquor department and got my bottle of jim beam. yes, on a sunday. thank you, iowa. then on to the pharmacy section for my prep H. by that time i wasn't trying to hide the tears anymore. or the laughter. i had to look like a bonafide crazy person. a pajama wearing, laugh/crying, bearded yahoo buying liquor and hemorrhoid cream. the cashier tried saying something cute like, "whoa, rough night?" to which i just replied, "fuck you, kid." and promptly threw a 2o dollar bill at him and promptly walked out with my purchase. change be damned. got back in my car and just sat there and had my first cathartic full-on sob fest for the loss of my friend.
dammit, professor. i miss you, brother. atlanta won't be the same without you. but i know somewhere you were laughin' heartily at my horrible day. i would have been, too.
but you're a dickhead for leaving us the way you did. thanks for reminding me that you were a pain in the ass. jerk.
so, this little blog is for all of my friends and family in atlanta who knew and loved shawn "the professor" murphy. hope this brightens your day a little bit. it's worth the discomfort if it makes any of y'all smile a little about this whole mess.
i love you guys.
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